For those of you who don’t know, Tinder is an app that allows you to instantly judge people based solely on their looks. The kind of thing I like to do to passers-by in the streets, so hey, why not do it online also?! Swipe right for “I’d like to bone you” and left for “Face like a smashed crab, move along”. The premise being that you both match based on looks alone, and hope to hell the other person has a personality too.
Sounds great right! Well boy was I in for a shock. You see as a relatively well educated, relatively well dressed man, I know the value of appearances. They count for quite a lot. And on a site where the ONLY thing you have going for you is how you present yourself, they are everything. So scroll down dear reader, and let me educate you about the ghastly things i’ve seen on Tinder. With pictures! I hope this might be somewhat educational for those ladies on Tinder (many of my friends included) who lament only matching with douchebags – perhaps it’s in the way you portray yourself?
1. The tiger pic. Now for some reason, I’ve come across more of these than I can count. Apparently it’s almost compulsory for you to tell the world that a) you prefer bogan holiday destinations and b) you’re completely ok with critically endangered species being kept in substandard conditions, sedated and paraded around like domesticated animals for the profiteering of criminal organisations.
2. The quintessential bogan. Look at you, posing by a big fat piece of shit motorbike. Oh wait it’s ok, youve also included the same bike but with some big fat piece of shit bogan looking guy sitting on it also. Possibly your lover, possibly your brother, possibly both. Oh and a skull and crossbones background too. Classy.
3. The slut. Looking pretty fly there with pretty much every inch of your skin on display. “I really want to respect that woman and take her to meet my parents” said no guy, ever. Women like you are the reason I never want have a daughter, just in case she equates her worth with the number of men who objectify her.
4. The filters and effects. News flash, filters/effects/layers just serve to obscure me seeing your features, and is best left for teenagers. Except when you put the same picture 4 times. You are not Andy Warhol, it just reinforces how ugly you are.
5. The bathroom selfie. You know what people do in the bathroom? They defecate. Now I associate you with defecation. It’s not even a fancy bathroom at club, this looks like you hang around in the Valley toilets.
6. The car selfie. Cars are for getting from A to B. Not to be used as a steel box for you to be sitting in, in car parks like a weirdo taking photos of yourself looking constipated.
7. The vague photo. Oh look a beach, that’s cool. Oh look every photo is of a beach. Either you are a vampire and cant be caught on film, or you’re a submerged whale off shore and this is the best pic you can get until your waterproof camera arrives from eBay.
8. The pic with my ex. You know what guys go for? Women who are still hung up over their (shirtless) ex. Although he’s skinny as shit, so it’s good to know I could beat him up I guess.
9. The blurries. My phone has an 8 megapixel camera. 8 MEGAPIXELS. I could print billboards of myself, if I wanted to. All you have to do is point and click, so why the hell is everyone of your photos blurry and grainy. Technological retardation is not an aphrodisiac.
10. The unhygienic look. Oh it’s really cool that you seem to live a carefree lifestyle. It’s not cool that your house looks like it has more disease than Africa.
11. The hot friend photo. Ok lets be honest. You’re not the prettiest girl going. And that’s cool, I’m not the most handsome dude either. But what you DON’T do, is put up only photos of you with people waaayyyy more attractive with you. It just gives us something to benchmark your looks against, and this really isn’t going to fall in your favour…
12. The I have no class photo. Drunken trying to straddle a tree? Sure, seems like the best choice for your main profile pic I guess. You wearing 15 hats, gesturing that you like to lick vagina? Go for it! You making a stupid face next to a cultural and religious icon for millions of people? Absolutely. Basically what I’m saying is, I hope you die in a fire.
13. The I HAVE KIDS AND I’M GOING TO RAM THEM DOWN YOUR THORAT pic. Hey it’s cool that you have kids, and it’s even cooler that you love them. But guess what, I’m interested in YOU, not your kids. This makes me think all you want is a new father in their life. Congratulations, you’ve done what no one else has been able to do for the last 3 years…convince me to put on my joggers and run…
14. The I like cats photo. Just…wow (this woman was for reals by the way, unlike this one).
And finally, a positive:
15. The I’m on a horse photo. You are a Boss, and you win the internets! Also, please marry me and we shall ride off together along the beach on your magnificent stallion!